Communicating Safety

In the last few years, words mean more than ever now, compared with anything else in our history. Nothing is more important in life, especially for people with disabilities, than to advocate for themselves. And we are talking about effective advocating!

Did you realize that strong effective advocating skills are just as important in safety & self-defense then physical techniques? Most people when they think about self-defense and protecting themselves think about the physical aspect of things, but lots of experts in the field believe that you must be bold, be assertive, and be loud when it comes to your personal safety. We here at STRIVE4YOU do not consider ourselves experts, however, we believe very strongly that speaking up and speaking out to advocate for yourself is essential and is a core principle for all our programs. We also realize that it is not easy for everyone, and not everyone has had the education or opportunity to develop these skills. For some, saying “NO” is the hardest thing they could do. Yet, when it comes to safety- whether it is in your own home or out in public- being able to say “NO” or to speak up and say, “I don’t like that,” “that’s wrong,” or “I don’t feel comfortable with what you are doing,” is absolutely critical to your ability to keep yourself and your loved ones physically and mentally safe!

With that, it is time to start looking at advocating for ourselves when it comes to Safety & Security. In this module, we will explore what we should be communicating, how important what we say and how we say it can impact our quality of life, all while finding our comfortable words. And along the way, even find some ways to say things you have felt but were not sure how to express them before. We will dive into our three categories of interactions, the three phases of conflict resolution, as well as styles of empowering words that can be used to express ourselves during any type of situation.

One key thing we want you to take away from this module is that there is only one person that can advocate for you. And that person is you! We can give you the tools, suggest techniques, and help you develop a plan to better prepare you to advocate for yourself. However, we can’t do it for you, you must do it for yourself! We feel so strongly about this that this lesson has been developed as more of an interactive lesson with several critical thinking exercises. We want you to really think about this and apply your thoughts to action. So have a piece of paper or something to record your thoughts handy. You can also use the accompanying worksheets to help in this effort as well. Follow along with us as we guide you through developing strategies for using your words to empower you as we stop just surviving life and start really living life!

Communication 101

Communication is the absolute foundation of our society. Everyone does it in some form or another. Some people do it well, and some not so well! Effective communication, effective being the key word here, is extremely difficult as there are certain barriers that make it complex, difficult, and frustrating. Undoubtedly, you have played the phone relay game in one form or another. One person whispers a sentence to someone else, that person tries to whisper the same statement to someone else, and so on until the last person gets what they believe is the original statement. And then when they announce the statement to the group, well, it is usually nowhere near the original statement. This is a wonderful way for us to see just how difficult communication is. There are a lot of barriers to effective communication; below, we are going to list just a few we feel is important to support our concept here. Those barriers are:

Physiological, such as memory, attention, and perception. Perception! There that word is again! As we have learned, someone’s perception is very influential. Just as important is the ability to remember what was communicated and depending on the environment, paying attention can mean everything!
Poor listening skills — Listening to another person is a challenging task. A typical speaker utters about 125 words per minute; a typical listener can receive 400-600 words in a minute. That means, folks, that thus, about three fourths of listening time is free time. Can you say distractions?
Inattention, we hear but do not listen because we are focused on something else. Goes back to attention span and distractions.
Psychological factors such as distrust, unhappy or negative emotions, and misunderstandings can severely derail the process of communication.
Someone’s emotional state at any point and time can affect his/her communication with others as it can have an impact on both verbal and body language. Emotions cause changes in our body that may affect the pronunciation, pressure of the speech and tone of the voice of the sender, as well as the perception, thinking process and interpretation of information of the receiver.
Social factors such as age, gender, socio-economic status, and marital status also function as barriers to communication in certain situation.
Distractions or loud noises can certainly affect communication both being sent and received which can cause a whole lot of problems!
Unclear messages, in terms of meaning, grammar and words is the second biggest reason communication is not effective between two people.
And the biggest reason communication is not effective is because it is never, ever communicated. Fear of upsetting someone, hurting their feelings, or feeling their wrath are all reasons for this.

There are always two parties involved in any form of communication, the sender, and the receiver. Communication happens both verbally and through body language. It is sent but not necessarily received. While at the same time can be perceived to be received, yet not actually sent. The biggest thing to remember about communicating is that once it is out there it cannot be taken back, which could be upsetting to think about, but in the realm of safety we want to think about that fact as a positive one! Once you say no, once you set your boundaries, those statements are solid until you communicate consent. We will dive deeper further down in this module, as this is meant as merely an introduction.

Understanding What It Means To Advocate

Self-advocating is not really a new concept. It is speaking up for ourselves and others regarding our needs, and what we believe is right or wrong. This all started exceedingly early in childhood, as our parents told us to stop throwing a fit and use our words. We learned as we went along to express our feelings, our desires, and our dislikes. Some of this is natural. For example, if we put something in our mouth, we don’t like the taste of we may make a face or yell “yuk” as we spit it back out. It is the things that are not so natural that is extremely hard for some to express. That is what we are going to discuss thoroughly in this module. All of us have been taught what is right and wrong behaviors, though your individual beliefs are usually your own perceptions that have been influenced and shaped by people and experiences. Being a good self-advocate has big benefits for kids and adults who learn and think differently. People who know how to self-advocate are more likely to do well in school, work, and life.

For people with disabilities, we hear all the time about advocating for ourselves and how important it is. We know firsthand here at STRIVE just how vital and empowering self-advocating is for everyone. When most of us think about advocating, we think about our disability needs and accommodations, or our rights as a person with a disability. We need to think about safety in much of the same way!

Disability or not, advocating our consent, our boundaries, and simply saying NO could not be more important to our safety & security. There are three key elements of advocating that not only pertain to anyone’s life, but that will help shape this module’s discussion. They are:

Understanding your needs
Knowing what tools, techniques, or strategies might help
Communicating these needs to others

People often learn self-advocacy in small steps. They may start with just understanding one of their challenges or situations. Or they may be able to say that something is wrong, but not know how to address it. This is the premises for not only this module, this safety education course, but the entire SEED Program!

Understanding Our Needs

Let us start off this discussion with learning what your default setting is on your personal interactions with others. In the disability community, especially the blind /visually impaired community, we have found that grabbing is considered socially acceptable and happens too commonly. We have also learned that is equally as common to have a lack of words exchanged during these situations. This can affect the way these interactions and communications turn out.

We bring this to your attention to say if you are one of these individuals who, when grabbed freezes and says nothing or just brush the benign intrusion off? You are not alone! Many have the same type of reactions.

Those who do say something are those individuals who have worked hard to develop such skills and we applaud them for their efforts. They are ahead in the game. Unfortunately, though, a lot of people are deficient in their skills to advocate for themselves through empowering words and actions simply because these skills are not something that most individuals come by naturally. It is a learned skill that we are here to walk you through. This is just one example of a need you might have. We invite you to think about what some other things might be you might need to identify as a need regarding your safety that you either do not currently advocate for or do not strongly advocate for. We will explore this further as we go along in this module.

Key principles of Communication

As we touched on above, communication is ever-growing and changing, but there are some things that have stayed the same when it comes to communicating with other individuals. In this section, we are going to discuss how these forms of communication can affect us in our day-to-day as we take a little more in-depth look at communicating.

Verbal/ nonverbal- Of course, we had to start with this. Verbal and nonverbal communication have been used for thousands of years and is changing all the time. Even nonverbal has changed overtime. For our purposes, we are going to prefer verbal communication over nonverbal communication.

We do understand that there are some who prefer to try and communicate nonverbally- however, this communication is developed over time with close friends or family. Sometimes, systems of non-verbal communication are put into place when this style is more effective. For example, many martial arts students use a double tap on their thigh, shoulder, or their partners arm to communicate that pain is being felt and that technique needs to stop immediately. We use this as well for our HOT trainings/workshops because it is an excellent use of non-verbal communication. If an instructor hears a student scream out in pain, their anxiety level shoots through the roof as many of the other students in the room might do as well. This would not be good! We use this merely as a practical use of non-verbal communication that you might experience in our SEED Firsthand Training.

Verbal communication can certainly assist you better in establishing boundaries with others. When using verbal communication, it is also important to remember your tone of voice. You do not want to have an aggressive tone when talking with the little old lady who is just thinking they are helping you. So, remember- when communicating, pay attention to tone and volume.

Physical/ nonphysical- Since SEED is a self-defense program, we would be remiss if we did not discuss physical and nonphysical interactions. We can agree that sometimes physical interactions/communication can occur before words are even said. SEED implements a technique that you will learn more in-depth about in another module and specifically during your Firsthand Training with a SEED instructor. Essentially though, this technique teaches you how to physically touch a person that is touching you back and from this you can determine many of things about the current situation. This technique, in the SEED system, is called Sensing Hands. We can use our Sensing Hands skills to give us the information we need to respond in an appropriate manner, making it an excellent use of physical communication!

Nonphysical communication can be as stressful as physical communication. In a nonphysical communication setting, you are left wondering what is going to be their next move. Are they going to get physical they are reacting to you? It is so important to remember, when someone gets physical with you, that is an essential time that you should start going through the phases of recognize, analyze, and respond. Recognize is an important first step in determining the type of situation you may be about to enter. Paying attention to your surroundings is key. Analyze comes into play once you have recognized something is happening. This is when we instantly jump right into analyzing the situation to find out what type it is. Lastly, respond to the situation accordingly, as you have practiced during your Firsthand Training and as we have discussed throughout the Safety Education Introduction Course.

The Purpose of our Empowering Words Concept?

The purpose of this particularly important module in this course and that of our Empowering Words concept is to give you actionable steps to using words to advocate for yourself when it comes to your personal safety and more. This takes us into the second stage of self-advocacy, knowing what tools, techniques, or strategies that might help your situation. Again, remember that you might be very aware of your needs, or areas of development, when it comes to your safety & security. But you might not know what to do to address those needs. We want to assist you in this journey!

As we mentioned before there are three categories of interactions that can occur.

Consent
Incident
Violation

We need to develop some terms you are comfortable using in any of these interactions. First, we will take a moment to refresh our memory about these three distinct Categories of Interactions, looking at some examples that you may encounter throughout your day. Then, we can start developing our plan of action!

Incident interaction- We start with this because this is the one most of us can produce an answer straight away. Examples could be walking to the store, and someone grabs your arm gently to “help” you get where you are going. They do not mean you any harm-you can tell this by the way they grab you, their tone, and many other factors that we have covered in more detail prior in our training modules. Now take a moment and produce an example of incident on your own. Write it down if this helps you.
Violation interaction- We hope you have not experienced this type of situation; however, we know that too many have had to endure this situation. The violation interaction is exactly like it sounds. A grab that is too hard, a person pulling you away with no indications of where or why they are doing it, and another example would be being choked. There are too many violation interactions to mention. Think of what one of these interactions looks like to you and take a moment to write it down.
Consent situation- This is the best one. Once again, with many topics we cover, this can depend on the person on what a consensual situation is; someone offering you their elbow to walk with as a guide, if you take their elbow then you have consented to the situation. Something as simple as a hug must have consent from both parties. It is your option to want to hug someone or not. This is another one of those it’s okay to say “I’m not a hugger,” or these days, “I am practicing my social distancing skills and cannot hug you.” These are just a couple of suggested consensual situations. Now, it is your turn to think of an experience a consensual interaction.

Module Critical Thinking Exercise

Let us take a few moments here and write down some different examples of each of the three Categories of Interactions that you have personally encountered. Think about how each made you feel and how well you communicated or advocated your feelings during that interaction?

Now that we have our interactions in mind, let us go to the next step which is thinking about what you may do, say, or not say in these situations.

Default Settings

To this next exercise, let us refer to this section as your default settings. In these situations, we will discuss below how you often react to them without thinking, so let us figure out what that looks like for you. This will give you an idea of what your default settings are, and where you want to change your setting to become more confident, and comfortable with your new default. Below are some questions to answer. If you need help in this section, make sure to ask your instructor. They can help you produce some examples to create your different interactions. You may need to use role playing to simulate the types of interactions to get a better idea of what your default settings are right now. Then, you can start practicing on your new default.

What do you say or do when you experience a consensual situation?

What do you do or say when you experience an incident?

What do you do or say when you experience a violation situation?

This next section is going to cover basic communication skills and styles, so you can get a basic understanding on how you can communicate and even in your own personal style. We talk about this, so you understand there is more than one style to choose from and in different interactions you may need to use another style.

What is your style?

The biggest part of this Empowering Words concept is having you figure out what is your own style when responding to any situation We can factor a few different areas to help you learn your style. As you go through this section, write down your answers. At the end, you should have a clever idea of what your style is and how you want to use it.

Personality style- extrovert/ introvert is what we are focusing on here. Do you feel you are an introvert or an extrovert? Keep in mind there are those individuals who are a mix of both, who are referred to as ambiverts.

Background/experience- Depending on where you grew up or the type of individuals you were around your style of communication will certainly be influenced one way or another. We are social creatures and learn habits and traits from those we spend time around. There are exceptions to this, but often this is the case. This can play into your attitude or the slang you use.

Age- Now this does not have to be a hard number here. Some individuals relate to other generations and will use the slang that is used in that generation. It may seem odd for an older person to use the word “homie,” unless they hung around others who used the word homie on a regular basis. You could also find someone younger speaking the same terms and language as the older generations and it could work for them just fine.

Direct – There are some individuals who have mastered the direct approach on communication. These individuals will be direct as to communicating what is the problem, or in how they manage situations. Using a direct approach/ style can be remarkably effective to develop boundaries with your words. If you are not using this style already, we suggest you add this one to your new plan and practice it often.

Indirect- These individuals often do not directly want to deal with conflict or handle situations. This could also be referred to as the avoidance approach as well. This could also be used as you are telling someone to tell someone else what your problem is. In our experience, this does not get you the results you would like and is not an effective way to communicate or advocate for yourself.

Humor or Sarcasm- There are those of us who manage conflict or situations with humor or sarcasm. Humor used in the right way can sometimes de-escalate a situation if used properly. However, we do not recommend using this if the individual is showing aggression as this might lead to escalation. Again, in some situations when there is an incident, humor can be an excellent strategy to help calm down or defuse the situation.

Module Critical Thinking Exercise

We covered a lot in the styles of communication. Now take a moment and consider the following:

What style do you identify with the most?

What are some styles you would like to identify with after some practice?

Is there a style that you identify with that we left out above?

We want you to know that the person you would like to be when handling conflict situations can happen! Changing your style of communication to better advocate for your physical & mental safety simply takes practice and the desire to change. Only you can make these changes. And only you can advocate for yourself. We cannot do that for you; however, we can support you in your efforts, and are going to help you develop a plan that can help you each step of the way.

Empowering Words

Next, we are going to look at what some words are, that could be used or have been used in situations of consent, incident, and violations. These are just examples to get you to start considering what words would empower you, regarding your personal safety. We are going to give you a common situation and some responses we have heard or some you could use.

Incident Situation: Someone has grabbed your wrist.

Responses:

Can I help you?
- What are you doing?
- Would you like me to help you with something?
- Are you looking for someone?
- No thank you I am good.
- Would you like to dance?
- How about NO?
- That is a hard NO?
- Are you lost?

We hope you get the idea that it can vary on what you say and even how you say it. As we talked about previously, what tone of voice you use is so crucial in setting strong personal boundaries, while at the same time appropriately Responding to the situation. Start to consider what words you would like to use to empower yourself for the use in this type of situation.

Violation Situation- Someone has grabbed you after you have already told them not to grab you without your knowledge.

Responses:

What are you doing?
Get your hands off me!
I do not know you!
I asked you not to touch me!
That is a hard NO!!!
Your personal safe word
NO!!!
STOP!!!

In these situations, our responses are more direct, and our tone of voice will sound firm. If anyone is violating your consent, that is not okay. You are worth protecting. No one should make you feel violated. When you start to think of what words you would like to use in these situations you will want to use words that you are comfortable saying loudly. If you’re not comfortable saying it loud yet, then practice often.

Consensual situations- Someone comes and asks us if we would like sighted guidance and they wait for us to reach for their elbow.

Response:

Thank you!
I appreciate this.
Thank you for asking.
I’m good, thank you.
I can follow you, thanks.

Just as important to know what to say in the moments we do not want, we need to know what to say in the moments when it is all working out too, when we are in moments that we do want. Take some time and think about what you would like to say in those moments. Showing gratitude can go a long way. We like to be thankful for the little moments here at SEED.

Module Critical Thinking Exercise: Empowering Situations

In this exercise you and/or your group will produce an example for each Category of Interactions.

What type of situation/interaction is it?

What is the specific situation occurring in the example?

What words would you choose to use in that situation?

Action Steps
- Consensual situations- this is what we want.
- Incident situations- this is what we want.
- Violation situations- this is what we want.

Time to Plan

Now it is time for the plan. Now remember, just because we are planning does not mean it is going to go to plan every time, especially if you are not practicing your Empowering Words. You want these words to be so second nature to you that you say them in your sleep. You can also use the Empowering Words Planning Worksheet included with this module to better help you write your plan out. In our planning session let us start with our ideal situation and go from there.

Consensual plan

What is the situation?
1. What words are you going to use?
1. How often are you going to practice saying the words?
1. What methods did you use to practice your words?

Incident Plan

What is the situation?
1. What words are you going to use?
1. How often are you going to practice saying the words?
1. What methods did you use to practice your words?

Violation Plan

What is the situation?
1. What words are you going to use?
1. How often are you going to practice saying the words?
1. What methods did you use to practice your words?

After the plan

SEED’s #1 recommendation after creating your plan is to practice and review it often. If you create a plan and never review or practice it, then when you need it, you will not know it. Spending time on your safety is worth doing on at least a weekly basis, especially if you struggle to say them when practicing.

Put your practice time on a calendar, set a reminder on your phone, or hang out with a friend going through it. Any time you are practicing, try and have fun with it. If you hate every moment of your practice time, you will be less likely to hold your session.

Boundaries

When you say No or something else, your Empowering Words are to help to create personal boundaries for yourself. You can look at boundaries as being your own personal rules for how you want others to treat you.

As we stated before, you are not public property, and you can set boundaries for yourself. Boundaries can be a range of items. Let us list a few to give you some examples.

How others treat you
How you treat yourself
How much access are you giving to others in your life
Who can touch you?
Who can NOT touch you?
How others will talk to you
Do you need assistance by sighted guide in public?

These are just a few ideas to get you started on thinking of what sorts of boundaries you would like to create for yourself. These boundaries are yours alone. It is not the job of others to keep your boundaries in place.

Before we can discuss what steps you will take if someone violates your boundaries, let us discuss what steps you can take to establish boundaries. For most, this feels weird and uncomfortable in the beginning. This also one of those things that does not require you make a social media post about what your boundaries are, and everyone must accept. The best approach we can give you is as follows:

Write down what your boundaries are.
Write down if there are certain individuals in your life that need additional boundaries.
Decide if you need to have private conversations with those people to have the these are my boundaries conversation.
Take it one day at a time.

It will be in the day-to-day interactions that you will have to speak up and hold to your boundaries. It is not like you are wearing a sign that says, “this is how to interact with me” or “these are my expectations for others.” It is going to be the moment when a stranger grab you to try and “help” you. The more you stay firm to your boundaries, the easier it will get to speak to them, and to others. So, make sure to practice.

Violation of your boundaries can happen. You will also have to decide how you want to manage that in advance as well. For interactions with strangers this can be easier to manage, but it is going to be the people you are interacting with on a regular basis that may push those boundaries. We will not tell you want to do here but we will say that if a friend or loved one keeps violating your consent about a boundary you have set, you may want to have a serious conversation with them or consider other options. You must decide what the other options are.

Every person can change over time. We have different experiences and meet different people. In that instance, we suggest that you look at how your words change as you get older. Things you use to say all the time change and your empowering words need to adjust with those changes as well. Strive to be the best version of you every step of your journey in life.

SEED offers trainings and workshops that can help you strengthen the skills in the module. The SEED program is designed to provide you with information that creates the safest you possible. We have in person firsthand trainings all over the country. SEED would be happy

to connect you with an instructor in your area.